


You and Me Could Write a Bad Romance

by Erushi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Badtz Maru Otabek, Fluff and Crack, Hello Kitty Yuri, M/M, YOI Sanrio collab
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 09:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12604032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erushi/pseuds/Erushi
Summary: Badtz waved to him as he approached. “Hello, Kitty.”Or: The love story between Hello Kitty!Yuri and Badtz Maru!Otabek.





	You and Me Could Write a Bad Romance

**Author's Note:**

> I make no apologies for this. It needed to be written. 
> 
> Also, the YOI merch machine is _deadly_.
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm actually 100% unfamiliar with Sanrio canon, except for what I speed-wiki'd, so there may be inaccuracies etc. in this fic.

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/erushi/24255088108/in/dateposted/)

 

It was, Yuri decided as he was stopped by yet another fan for his autograph, altogether tiring to be a celebrity. Things had been much simpler when he was a schoolboy in London, before he had been scouted and brought to Sanrioland, and when he could actually get to wherever he was going on time.

Five more autographs and almost twice as many photographs later, Yuri felt almost proud that he was only sixteen minutes late to his date.

Badtz waved to him as he approached. “Hello, Kitty.”

Yuri waited until he was near enough, then punched Badtz lightly in the shoulder. “Haha, very funny.”

“It never gets old,” Badtz smirked. He made a face as he rubbed his shoulder. “Also, Jesus Christ, _ow_. Aren’t you supposed to be ladylike?”

‘Oh, go to hell, Badtz,” Yuri laughed as he fell into step beside the penguin.

“Oi,” Badtz said, slinging his flipper around Yuri’s shoulders as they walked, “what did I tell you? Just “Beka” is fine when we’re alone.”

Yuri felt his cheeks heat. He ducked his head, suddenly shy. “Oh, fine. _Beka_.” He was pretty sure that Beka was beaming. Beka was remarkably expressive sometimes, for a surly penguin. Annoyed with himself now, Yuri allowed Beka to overtake him, then kicked him lightly in the shins.

“Ow!” Beka was glaring as he turned around. “You’re pretty violent, you know that?”

“You knew that already when you asked me out,” Yuri retorted, feeling better already. He skipped forward, taking Beka’s flipper in his paw. “Come on, where are we going?”

Beka muttered under his breath.

“Didn’t catch that,” Yuri teased.

Beka sighed. “There’s this café nearby. I saw it the other day. It does good apple pie.”

Yuri brightened. “You’re the best.”

“And don’t you forget it,” Beka grumbled. But he leaned over anyway, and pecked a kiss on Yuri’s forehead.

“Gross,” Yuri declared, giggling.

It was only their fifth date, but Yuri was feeling rather optimistic about a sixth.

=-=-=

The apple pie at the café was every bit as good as Otabek claimed it was. Yuri dug into his second slice happily, scooping up crisp pastry and cinnamon-spiced apple chunks with his fork.

Across the table, Otabek had been telling Yuri about the latest prank he had pulled that morning, something about stealing the wheel-rims off a motorcycle. He broke off now, staring at Yuri, his expression faintly bewildered.

Yuri looked at him quizzically. “What?” Maybe there was something on his face. He grabbed the paper napkin and scrubbed his face self-consciously.

Beka shook his head. “Just… How do you even put all that away, when you don’t even have a mouth?”

Yuri crumpled the paper napkin and threw it at him. It hit the centre of his forehead with a satisfying rustle. “Shut up.”

Beka stuck out his tongue and threw the crumpled napkin back at Yuri. His tone, however, was fond as he said, “I just think you’re amazing, that’s all.”

“Shut up,” Yuri repeated, flushing furiously. He turned his attention back to his pie, and stabbed his fork through the crust with more force than was strictly necessary. “I think you’re really kinda awesome too,” he mumbled to the plate.

When Yuri chanced a quick glance up, Beka looked a little dazed.

=-=-=

“My agent thinks you’re no good for me,” Yuri sighed.

They were lying on the floor of Yuri’s room: Beka sprawled on Yuri’s carpet, Yuri curled up close with his head pillowed on Otabek’s chest.

Otabek hummed thoughtfully. “Yeah?”

“A bad boy from Gorgeoustown, playing pranks and picking fights?” Yuri deepened his voice, in his best imitation of Yakov. “Badtz Maru is bad for Kitty’s image, Yuri. Your fans want someone they can relate to. Someone sweet.” He sighed, scrubbed his paw against the carpet with distaste. “It’s just so fucking tiring, you know? I don’t think I can stand being sweet and cute all the bloody time.”

Beka gave a huff of laughter. “Your British roots are showing, _dar-ling_ ,” he drawled, in the worst imitation of a British accent that Yuri had ever heard.  

“Oh, fuck you,” he retorted, digging his paw into Beka’s side and relishing the resulting yelp. “But it’d probably help if you didn’t get into so many fights.”

Beka suddenly looked shifty.

Yuri groaned. “You didn’t.”

Beka had the grace to look sheepish. “It was just yesterday, alright? And he was talking shit about me, said that I’ll never be anything much.” His beak twisted. “But I showed him, though.” A note of pride crept into his voice. “Asshole tried, but he sure as hell can’t fight as well as me.”

Yuri scowled as he propped himself up on an elbow. “Did he hit you anywhere?”

“Just the jaw, here,” Beka replied, pointing with his flipper. “Yuri, what – ”

“I hate it when you get hurt,” Yuri confessed, leaning down to nuzzle a kiss on Beka’s jaw, where Beka had indicated that he’d been punched.

“And you?” Beka asked, his tone suddenly urgent. Yuri looked up curiously. “What about you, Yura? Do you think I’m no good for you?” His gaze, when Yuri met his eyes, was bright and unwavering.

Yuri felt his throat tighten. “Stupid Beka. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

=-=-=

“I want us to do it,” Yuri announced as he spooned out the cookie dough onto the baking tray in neat, even-sized mounds.

Beside him, Beka dropped the mixing whisk, which he had been licking the batter from, with a clatter. “I’m sorry?” he choked.

“We should have sex,” Yuri said stubbornly. “Then maybe you’ll stop thinking that I want to break up with you.”

“Now?” Beka squeaked. “But we don’t… I’m not sure we can… I’m a penguin, you’re a cat… You don’t even have a mouth!” his voice rose, ending in a strangled shout.

“We can improvise,” Yuri said primly. “And you’re one to talk about mouths. You have a _beak_.”

Beka gaped.

Yuri shoved the tray of cookies into the oven, before turning to face Beka squarely. “I’ve read… stuff.”

“Stuff,” Beka repeated faintly.

“The internet is a wonderful place,” Yuri retorted. “And, um, they said that the kitchen could be a good place for it, and an apron helps…” He soothed his paws nervously over his apron. “I mean, unless you don’t want to…?” and god, he hated that wobble in his voice.

“Yuri, I…” Beka began, just as the timer on the oven began to shrill. And that couldn’t be right, Yuri thought; he had only just put the cookies into the oven. What –

=-=-=

Yuri sat up on his bed with a jolt. Beside him, the alarm on his phone was beeping shrilly. He blinked, then groaned as he pawed at the screen of his phone, silencing it.

Beside him, Otabek groaned. He threw an arm around Yuri’s hip, and buried his face against Yuri’s hipbone. “What time is it?” he mumbled, his voice muffled.

“Time for you to get up before Yakov and Lilia catch us,” Yuri sighed. He scrubbed his palm sleepily over his face. “Shit. I had the weirdest dream ever.”

Otabek rolled onto his back. He blinked muzzily. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Yuri sighed, looking down at the Halloween costumes they had fallen asleep in. “And I’m never letting us sleep in these Sanrio onesies ever again.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [Tumblr](http://erushi.tumblr.com/) & [Twitter](https://twitter.com/erushi). Come say hi!
> 
> Credit to [@peggyshrooms](http://peggyshrooms.tumblr.com/) for the idea of Otabek & Yuri in Sanrio onesies. :D
> 
> \---
> 
> From the Hello Kitty Wikia:
> 
> [Badtz Maru](http://hellokitty.wikia.com/wiki/Badtz-Maru)
> 
> _"While Badtz-Maru seems perpetually stuck in the first grade, he has dreams of becoming "the boss, of everything" when he grows up. "A bit selfish, Badtz-Maru tends to make fun of things he thinks are silly. This mischievous little penguin loves to fight for the wrong side. His hobby is collecting pictures of movie stars who play bad guys." He enjoys expensive sushi in Ginza._
> 
> _He lives in Gorgeoustown with his mother and pinball-playing father..."_
> 
> [Hello Kitty](http://hellokitty.wikia.com/wiki/Hello_Kitty)
> 
> _"… her real name is Kitty White and she was born in the suburbs of London, England on November 1. Her height is described as five apples and her weight as three a.pples. She is portrayed as a cute, bright, sweet, kind-hearted and tomboyishly beautiful girl, who's very close to her twin sister Mimmy. She is good at baking cookies and loves Mama's homemade apple pie. She likes to collect cute things and her favorite subjects in school are English, music and art. Her blood type is A._


End file.
